Houston (JTA) - In a stunning development, it has been learned 
that there is life on Mars -- but not the kind that had been 
anticipated. The first indication, based on the current U.S. space 
mission, came when the small roving vehicle called Sojourner 
spotted a sign on the rocky terrain of the Red Planet that read, 
"Welcome To Chabad House -- Bring Moshiach Now."
The sign, in English, thrilled and confused NASA scientists at the 
NASA Space Flight Centre in Houston, who had no idea what it 
meant. Only after thorough research did they learn that it revealed 
the presence of a dedicated and particularly hearty group of 
Lubavitch Chasidim, known for  their tireless efforts to reach Jews 
in the most remote regions, urging them  to perform mitzvot. 

"We've been here for some time now doing our work," said  a
cheerful Rabbi Lou Steinwalker, mission commander of the 
spaceship  "Mitzvah 613," in an exclusive phone nterview.
When asked how long he had been on Mars and how he got there, 
he said only, "Where there's a will, there's a way."
He then excused himself, explaining that it was time for prayer 
and he was looking for a minyan. 

In a subsequent phone call, the Rabbi noted that in recent days 
another synagogue has been formed on Mars -- a Reform congregation 
that he would not set foot in. Following up on that  information, 
we contacted Rabbi Uri Negev, a Reform leader in Israel, who said 
that when he had met secretly with the chief rabbis of Israel in 
Jerusalem recently, they told him that if Reform Jews wanted to 
pray in peace, they should go to Mars.
"So we did," said Rabbi Negev, "and no one has bothered us, 
except the local Conservative congregation that keeps trying to 
borrow our membership list."

A Conservative congregation on Mars? Yes, it is true, 
acknowledged a leader of the Jewish Theological Seminary. 
"We discovered that blending Jewish law and modernity just 
doesn't work on Earth, and we're always looking for new venues," 
explained Rabbi Ismore Sources. The rabbi complained bitterly of 
financial competition from the United Jewish Appeal's Interplanetary 
Division, which has been scouring Mars via satellite in search of 
potential donors.

Stephen Solomon, the chief executive of the charity acknowledged 
that highly motivated fund-raisers have been active throughout the 
galaxy for several light years. "We've determined through a 
Strategic Planet Plan that our most compelling marketing strategy 
is rescue," he said. "The trouble is that we haven't found anyone 
out there to save!"

That's been a problem, as well, for Abraham Loxsmith of the 
B'nai B'rith Anti-Defamation League. "We are prepared to open 
a major branch on Mars, and we've already ordered the press 
releases and fax papers. But, so far, no one has defamed us." 
Loxsmith is considering whether the lack of defamation may be
due to a form of active, even hostile, disinterest in Jews that 
qualifies as anti-Semitism.

All this sudden interest among Jews about Mars has motivated 
Malcolm Phoneline to form a new umbrella group, the Conference 
of Presidents of Major Martian Jewish Organizations (CPMMJO). 
He said the group has already received several calls from 
anonymous rabbis inquiring as to whether there were any Pell grants 
available on Mars. 

Meanwhile, a number of kosher-for-Passover tours have scouted 
out the Red Planet as a unique alternative to places like Palm 
Springs and Hawaii for jaded holiday vacationers. One tour 
operator noted that Rabbi Orson Vells has already been hired to 
conduct and broadcast the communal Seders, to be called 
"The War Of The Words," and that space stations are under 
construction to transport large supplies of oxygen, horseradish 
and shmura  matzah for the eight-day festival. "It will be out of 
this world," the  travel expert said, "and, I assure you, very 
tastefully done."

Tourism might be affected adversely, though, by a late report that 
Palestinian authorities are claiming entitlement to 92 percent of 
Mars, asserting that Arab ties to the planet can be traced to the 
Koran.