The Purim Episodes of Prime Time TV shows

by Eric Sommer

Every year, prime-time television shows have their Christmas 
episodes and their Halloween episodes. Well, this year, 
Jewish leaders have petitioned the networks to create Purim 
episodes for their top hits as well. The networks have agreed, 
and what follows are the plots for the upcoming Purim episodes 
of a number of popular TV shows.

NYPD Blue: In a sequel to the "Sefer Torah" episode, a group of 
Chassidim come to the precinct to report that their Megillah 
has been stolen. Sipowicz comments that "them Jews sure use 
a lot of scrolls," then goes undercover once again as a Chasid 
to catch the culprit. At one point, tensions arise between the 
Rabbi and Lt. Fancy, who is accused of not doing enough to help
the Chassidim because he is black. Meanwhile, Kirkendahl and 
Medavoy pursue a serial killer who has been attacking his 
victims dressed up as Haman. The suspect is captured, and he 
turns out to be a schizophrenic, who actually believes himself 
to be Haman. Jill, playing along with his delusion, comes in 
to the coffee room dressed as queen Esther, at which point the 
killer confesses and begs for mercy.

Law and Order: A man walks into the local Jewish bakery to buy 
some bread. As his approaches the counter, he notices that the 
owner has been shot and killed. He screams. Curtis and Briscoe 
come to check out the crime scene, and note that all the 
hamentashen have been stolen. After wasting about 20 minutes 
pursuing false leads, they eventually arrest a suspect. 
The suspect is charged with murder. McCoy meets with the 
suspect's lawyer and offers Murder 2, 20-to-life. The lawyer 
responds by handing McCoy a motion to suppress the recovered
hamentashen, on which the suspects fingerprints were found. 
It turns out that Lenny had eaten one of the hamentashen prior 
to making the arrest, and the lawyer claims that it might have 
had the fingerprints of the real murderer. 
Despite the ludicrousness of the claim, the judge grants the
motion. McCoy is determined to figure out a way to get his man. 
His assistant grimly states that conspiracy to steal baked 
goods is only a C-felony. To which McCoy responds "yes, but some 
of the hamentashen were poppy, which is used to make opium, 
and drug trafficking carries a sentence of 15-to-life. At the 
trial, the defense council tries to make an issue out of the 
fact the Lenny has a Jewish father, and things turn ugly. 
The defendant is convicted, and on the way down the courthouse 
steps, Adam Schiff remarks wryly that "every generation
has its Haman."

Friends: Ross throws a big Purim party for all his friends. 
Upon hearing that it's a costume party, Joey announces his plan 
to come as a eunuch because, he says slyly, "He's the one who 
guards the harem." Monica and Rachel get drunk while baking the 
hamentashen and as a prank, add laxatives to the batter. 
Chandler shows up at the costume store to pick up his Dracula
costume, but is given an Elvira costume instead. He doesn't 
realize and wears it to the party, which further convinces all 
his friends that he's gay. Meanwhile, Monica and Rachel have 
realized what they did, but the tainted hamentashen have already 
been put out. Rachel, dressed as Queen Vashti, distracts the 
crowd, while Monica switches the hamentashen. She finishes just 
in time to save Rachel, who's been doing her best to stall.
Ross has a flashback to an earlier Purim party where he came 
dressed as King Achashverosh and Rachel came as Queen Esther. 
Their eyes met from across the room, but before he could make 
his move, another guy dressed as Haman asked her to dance. 
Joey is confused at his inability to pick up women, and Chandler 
finally explains to him exactly what a eunuch is. Joey responds 
by saying "oooooh." At the end of the evening Phoebe plays her 
new Purim song on the guitar: Eat those hamentashen / Don't 
worry that you're noshin' / And don't think that I'm joshin' / 
You can eat those hamentashen.

E.R.: Mark confronts old demons arising from the time he sent 
his agnostic Jewish father Mishloach Manot and had it returned 
to sender. Meanwhile, a whole group of senior citizens from 
the Beth Jacob Home for the Elderly show up with severe diarrhea, 
having indulged in too many prune hamentashen at the annual 
Purim party. After being prodded by the nurses, Carter agrees to
dress up as King Achashverosh to entertain the Jewish children 
in the pediatric ward. Anna, mistakenly thinking that it is 
her boyfriend dressed up as the King, drags Carter into one of 
the surgical supply closets. When she finds that it was indeed 
Carter, she realizes that they were meant to be together.

Chicago Hope: Oh please, who really cares?!

The Simpsons: After convincing a parole board that he is 
rehabilitated, Sideshow Bob is released from prison and is later 
appointed as Deputy Mayor. As he walks around Springfield, he 
notices that Krusty's father, Rabbi Krustovsky, doesn't say hello 
to him. Insulted, he convinces Mayor Quimby to expel all the 
Jews from Springfield. Kent Borckman sadly reports the news,
then comments that the station is looking for a new writer, 
a new director, and a new producer. At the Qwickie Mart, Apu 
comments to Marge that "for once someone is getting persecuted 
and it's not me." Smithers remarks to Mr. Burns that he hates 
to see any minority group being hurt since he "knows how it feels." 
Marge says that this reminds her of "The Diary of Anne Frank," 
at which point Homer salivates as he pictures a nice juicy hot 
dog and thinks 'uhluhluhluhl, frank." Meanwhile, Lisa comments 
how "discrimination hurts all of us, not just the Jews" and 
urges Bart to "do something." Bart hatches a plan. He gets 
Rabbi Krustovsky to have his niece Marilyn get romantically
involved with the Mayor, which she does. Marilyn then reveals 
to the Mayor that she's Jewish and the Mayor decrees that 
"the Jews shall remain in Springfield--which itself sounds like 
a Jewish name." Police Chief Wiggum, ready to carry out the 
expulsion, tells his men to resume their normal duties, at which 
point they all start eating doughnuts. Mayor Quimby instructs 
Chief Wiggum to arrest Sideshow Bob. Sideshow Bob tries to run
away, but Bart trips him. As he's being led away he swears 
"revenge, sweet sweet revenge" on Bart. Guest appearances by
Kelsey Grammer as Sideshow Bob, Jackie Mason as Rabbi Krustovsky, 
and Debra Winger as Marilyn.

The Drew Carey Show: On Purim night, Drew and the gang drive a 
truckload of Buzz Beer over to the Telz Yeshiva High School for 
Boys. Having heard about Drew's plans, Mimi shows up as well; 
despite having come in her everyday clothes, she wins the contest 
for best costume. During Megillah reading, Oswald giggles 
uncontrollably every time the ba'al koreh says the name 
"Memoochan." Afterward, as the students get drunk on Buzz Beer, 
one of them comments to Kate that she's one good looking
shiksa. The party is raucous and wild, and at the end a drunken 
Drew-who has come dressed as the Browns' mascot-is made an 
honorary Jew and given a Telz jacket.

The X Files: Mulder and Scully are sent to an old Jewish community 
in the South where, for the past four years a Jew has been 
viciously murdered on Purim night. They talk to the local Rabbi, 
who says that he knows who's doing the killing, but that the 
local police won't listen to him. He relays to them an old 
midrash that states that while Haman's ten sons were all hanged 
by Mordechai, the next morning, only nine bodies were found 
hanging from the trees--Haman's son Dalphon had mysteriously 
disappeared. The Rabbi further quotes the midrash as saying 
that Dalphon was granted eternal life by the Devil in exchange 
for killing a Jew every Purim night. The Rabbi says that there 
is a man in town named Jack Dalphon, who he's sure is the second 
son of Haman and is the one committing the murders. Scully is 
skeptical of this old Jewish legend, but Mulder believes it. 
They question Jack Dalphon but can't pin the murders on him. 
The next night--Purim night--is cold and stormy. Mulder and
Scully stand outside the synagogue as the congregants leave 
after Megillah reading. They notice Jack Dalphon following an 
old Jewish man. They approach him and he takes off. They chase 
him through an abandoned warehouse, and Jack tries to escape 
by jumping into the elevator shaft. But his head gets caught 
in the cable, and he is instantly hanged. Mulder and Scully go 
call the police, but when they return to cut down the body, 
Dalphon is gone.
Spooky music...

Beverly Hills 90210: Andrea decides to throw a big Purim party 
at the Peach Pit. During the party, Donna is decidedly melancholy. 
When confronted by Steve, she reveals that her first true love 
was Jewish, but that his parents wouldn't let him continue to 
see her; they broke up on Purim. Kelly brings a gorgeous date to 
party, but while she is in the bathroom, Valerie makes an offhanded 
comment that Kelly's AIDS treatment is going very well. When the
boyfriend drops her off, he declines her offer for a kiss goodnight.

Mad About You: Paul's parents are nervous about the upcoming Purim 
seudah with Jamie's parents, who are gentile. "We're celebrating 
the fact that our ancestors killed their ancestors", worries 
Paul's mother. The evening does, in fact, get off to a disastrous 
start when Paul's mother overhears Jamie's mother complaining 
how the Jews have too many holidays and Jamie's sister Lisa 
shows up dressed as Grand Inquisitor Torqemadah. In the end, 
the tension is relieved when they all laugh upon discovering that 
Murry ate the entire Turkey while the family was busy trying to 
get Mabel into her bunny costume. The Buckmans and Stempels 
decide to have their seudah at Jamie and Paul's favorite 
restaurant, where a confused Ursula accidentally brings them
the roast pig.

Ally McBeal: On Purim day, Ally has a series of crises in which 
she is abusive to her secretary Elaine, worries aloud to her 
roommate that she will never find Mr. Right, has a personal 
conversation in the bathroom which is overheard by Richard 
Fish who's hiding in one of the stalls, and recalls an old 
intimate moment with Billy. This doesn't actually have anything 
to do with Purim-it's basically the plot of every episode.

Star Trek: Voyager: Captain Janeway and her away team beam down 
to a strange planet, where they discover Captain Robert McVeigh, 
long assumed dead after having gone missing during Starfleet's 
first exploration mission to the delta quadrant. In turns out 
that Captain McVeigh had crashed landed on this planet which 
has a society exactly like that of Earth's ancient Persia. 
He has installed himself as King, and is now known as McVeighrosh. 
His second in command, a native man named Daman is viciously
persecuting a minority group on the planet known as the "Jewts." 
The Jewts are a very religious people, and are constantly praying 
to an entity that they call "The Rock." After saving the Jews 
from annihilation, Janeway and her crew return to Voyager. 
Janeway wonders aloud why a group of people as advanced as the 
Jews would still be praying to a rock. Paris has an epiphany
and proclaims that they're not praying to *a rock*-they're 
praying to *The Rock of Ages*. Everyone on the bridge nods in 
agreement.

From: Zeke (notthenineties@thisplace.org)
Subject: Not the summer re-runs 
Newsgroups: alt.humor.jewish
Date: 2001-08-18 10:26:33 PST